A READERS’ THEATRE PRESENTATION
by Marlene Stiles
copyright Marlene Stiles 2008

Characters: Jonah, an erstwhile prophet
Bat Kol, the voice from heaven
Sea Captain
Peddler
The King of Nineveh
Narrator

And a sound effects chorus

Narrator
One particularly balmy day in early spring, as the sun shone brightly and the birds chirped —

Chorus
Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!

Narrator
The prophet Jonah was planning his vacation.

Jonah
Tarshish ought to be great this time of year: a seaside resort and not too many tourists. I can kick back and get a really good sun tan.

Bat Kol
Jonah! Jonah!

Jonah
That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

Bat Kol
Go to Nineveh. Warn the people that they must repent.

Jonah
I’ll put that on my ‘to do’ list. Right after I get back from vacation.

Bat Kol
Go to Nineveh NOW!

Jonah
If you’re in a hurry, you better send somebody else. Nineveh’s no where near the coast and I just packed my skuba gear.

Bat Kol
I said NOW and I meant it.

Jonah
All right already.

Narrator
But Jonah had his fingers crossed.

Jonah
That means I didn’t really lie, not really.

Narrator
Jonah packed his bags and went to the coast where he found sailors loading a ship.

Chorus
Yo he ho! Yo ho! Yo he ho!

Jonah
Where’s your ship headed, Captain?

Captain
To Tarshish. We still have passenger suites available: first class and steerage.

Jonah
Steerage is fine. Wake me when we get to Tarshish.

Narrator
Jonah went to sleep below deck and the ship got underway. But as soon as they were at sea the waves began to billow.

Chorus
Whoosh! Whoosh!

Narrator
Rain began to fall.

Chorus
(rubs their hands together, palm against palm, to make a swishing sound)

Narrator
Thunder filled the skies.

Chorus
(stamps their feet )

Narrator
But Jonah slept through the terrible storm until the Captain went to wake him up.

Captain
You, stranger! What’s the matter with you?

Jonah
Whatsa Matta U? That’s my old alma mater.

Captain
How can you sleep through this kind of storm? Who are you anyway?

Jonah
Who am I? (snaps his fingers and the Chorus joins in as he does a rap medley)

The name’s Jonah, I’m an Israeli
From the chosen people, and I’ve chosen to be
A prophet, that’s my specialty
I’m the best there is on land or sea! Oh yeah.

Captain
If you’re a prophet, you can intercede for us with the powers that be!

Jonah
Well it’s not like God and I are friends or anything. I just run an occasional errand and deliver messages of doom, things like that.

Captain
Please intercede! Our ship is going down.

Chorus
Help! Save us!

Captain
I know! We’ll draw lots to see who’s responsible for bringing down the anger of the Most High.

Narrator
The lot fell to Jonah.

Jonah
Wouldn’t you know it! How about two out of three?

Narrator
The lot still fell to Jonah.

Jonah
OK, I’m bad. I was going on vacation instead of delivery a prophecy of doom. Go ahead and throw me in the sea and get it over with.

Captain
May God forgive us for killing an innocent man.

Narrator
But Jonah wasn’t killed. A huge blue whale wandered in from the Atlantic Ocean and swallowed him whole.

Chorus
Burp!

Jonah
Oh this is just great. First my vacation is ruined, now I’m stuck inside a whale. And let me tell you, it stinks of rotten tuna in here.

Narrator
After three cold, dark, miserable days, the stench of half digested fish in the whale’s stomach finally got on Jonah’s nerves.

Jonah
That does it! If you want me to go to Ninevah, I’ll go!

Bat Kol
Tell them they have only three days to repent or the city will be destroyed.

Jonah
Three days. Got it. It can’t happen soon enough.

Narrator
The whale vomited Jonah onto the shore.

Jonah
Can this day get any worse? I’m covered in vomit and the whale ate my credit cards!

Narrator
Nevertheless Jonah hitchhiked inland and arrived at the gates of Nineveh by nightfall.

Peddler
Welcome to Nineveh, stranger. Have a complimentary map marked with all the city’s hot spots if you want to have a really good time.

Jonah
I’m not here to have a good time.

Peddler
Maybe you’d just like to buy some new clothes. No offense, but you smell like fish vomit.

Jonah
I am a prophet from God, and I’m here to announce that Nineveh will be destroyed in three days time unless you repent.

Narrator
Just then the King of Nineveh went riding by and overheard their conversation.

King
What did you say, stranger?

Jonah
(mumbles)
Repent’r’yr’city’ll’b’d’stroyed.

King
Did you hear that?

Peddler
No, he was mumbling.

King
Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamt I was the Pharoah of Egypt and that my army was destroyed at the shore of the sea because I did not believe. Now I know that the dream came to tell me I would be given a second chance to repent and to believe.

Peddler
Do I have to repent too? I live in the suburbs and just commute here to work.

King
Everyone must fast and pray for the next three days. Even my horse will wear sack cloth.

Chorus
Neigh!

King
We will ask God to forgive us and we will change our ways.

Narrator
As the King, the King’s horse, and every man, woman, child and animal in the city fasted and did penance, Jonah climbed a nearby hill overlooking the city.

Jonah
I ought to be able to get a really good view of the destruction from here.

Narrator
He settled down and waited for the city to be destroyed.

Jonah
At least this will make up for my lost vacation.

Narrator
Three days passed and nothing happened.

Jonah
I knew it! I knew God would relent once the city repented! I don’t know why I had to waste my time coming here!

Narrator
To make him feel better, God caused a beautiful vine to grow that sheltered Jonah from the noonday heat.

Jonah
This is more like it. Now if I just had a beach towel and a cold drink, I could pretend I was in Tarshish.

Narrator
The next day the vine withered.

Jonah
I knew it! Nothing ever goes my way! I don’t know why I get up in the morning! I’m going to be a laughingstock because the city wasn’t destroyed. And now that my vine died, I’m going to get a sunburn!

Bat Kol
Poor Jonah.

Jonah
You got that right.

Bat Kol
How can you feel sorry for that vine, but not for the people who would have perished?

Jonah
The people of Nineveh never did anything for me.

Bat Kol
If you can’t take pity on them, how about their animals?

Jonah
What’s your point?

Bat Kol
Lighten up a little and think about someone besides yourself.

Jonah
Lighten up? My vacation is ruined, I got caught in a hurricane, swallowed by a whale, I reek of fish vomit and now I’ve got a sunburn. And you want me to lighten up?

Bat Kol
You saved an entire city.

Jonah
And what’s in it for me?

Narrator
The voice from heaven sighed.

Chorus
Sigh!

Jonah
Next time I’m not telling anyone when I’m going on vacation.